Mr Oldman's Revenge
by Cpl. Bull S. Kwikki
Summary: An M Rated fan fiction that succinctly proves why Amanda is currently incarcerated in mental institution.


Mr. Oldman's Revenge

An M rated fan fiction

_Synopsis:_ Based on the prank phone call routine from "The Amanda Show." Mr. Oldman (Dan Schneider) *69's the prankster (Amanda Bynes) and then attempts to have angry, bizarre phone sex with her. She lists all the disgusting qualities about him and pretends she likes them. He obsesses over her youth and her feet as well. It becomes apparent soon enough that it is not a real skit and Dan is just trying to "get off" for realzies.

_Setting_: the Amanda Show set, Season 3

_Time_: September 10th, 2001.

_Theme song_: GG Allin – Teenage Twats

_A note from the editor_: Things similar to this likely occurred between Dan and Amanda. Please reference The Amanda Show Volume 2 the Girls Room DVD "behind the scenes" featurette.

START

_It is the same split screen set up as on the show. There is a laugh track. The cast is Amanda Bynes (in the curly red wig) as the prankster and Dan Schneider as the hapless Mr. Oldman._

Mr. Oldman: (_Before answering the ringing phone, all flustered_) All teenaged girls should be made to wear leashes!

_He picks up the phone._

Mr. Oldman: Helloooo?

Amanda (_in a slightly lower voice_): Mr. Oldman?

Mr. Oldman: Speaking!

Amanda: This is Sally Poofenduff from the Publishers' Smearing House. We are looking for pretty ballerinas. We are willing to pay $200,000 a pop for each of them.

Mr. Oldman: Welllll, I could really use that money for my, ummmm living expenses. I live on a fixed income you know! Is there any way I go out and find a baller-

Amanda (_cutting him off_): You have two seconds.

Mr. Oldman: But how shall I?...

Amanda (_cutting him off_): One second.

Mr. Oldman: Err…. I'm a pretty ballerina! WEEEEE!

_Dan attempts a ballet leap and falls over. He picks the phone up off the floor._

Mr. Oldman: Did I prove my pretty ballerinaness to your liking? Hello, Mr. Publishers' Smearing House?

_Amanda blows a 'raspberry' into the phone._

Mr. Oldman: I think you have the wrong number…

_Amanda giggles and hangs up._

Mr. Oldman: Helloooo?

_Dan has the bright idea to *69 the prankster, and finds her name on the caller ID as "Bynes, Amanda." Amanda picks up._

Amanda: Hello?

Mr. Oldman: Helloooo?! I'm looking for Bynes comma Amanda?!

Amanda: I'm Bynes comma Amanda!

Mr. Oldman: Ooooo! Oooo! I've got you now, you conniving little tweenster! I used the star sixty nine and I'm getting my comeuppance! Now I demand it that you um, assuage my err, disgusting passions via the telling bone… or else I'm gonna track you down and molester that filthy little teenaged pussy! I've got your address right here on the caller ID-de-de…

Amanda (_cutting him off, smiling devilishly_): Oh Mr. Oldman, you don't have to beg! I think this will be a _load_ of fun actually….

Mr. Oldman: Oh sweet ambrosia!... Let me begin. W-What are you wearing?

Amanda (_flirty_): Just a frilly blue blouse, jeans, and a pair of sandals….

Mr. Oldman (_at a loss_): Uhhh… How was your day?

Amanda (_not as flirty_): Ummm… Good?...

Mr. Oldman (_at even more of a loss_): Errrr… What's your… uhhh favorite color?

Amanda (_getting tired of his aimlessness)_: Hold on Mr. Oldman, let me try to get us started… what is it that you most desire?

Mr. Oldman (_instantly lecherous_): I wanna sniff your FEET Amanda! Oh, how I wish this was a Smell-O-Phone!

Amanda: Oh you! Hee hee! Okay I am now taking off my sandals (_Amanda kicks off her sandals_)… Wow! I can really feel you smelling my feet!

_Dan makes sniffing and snorting noises in the direction of the phone like a pig, in a vain attempt to smell her feet through the receiver which is at his nose. He convulses slightly. Amanda tries to hold back laughter over his idiocy._

Amanda: I love how fat and disgusting you are… now mount me you pig!

Mr. Oldman: Hold you're horses! First I wanna lick your twitter!

Amanda (_piquing her interest_): Twitter… what's that?

Mr. Oldman: It's the spot between a girl's twat and her shitter! Twa-itter! It's like taynt… I invented it!

Amanda: Ah, Twitter… (_sotto voce_)_ I'll have to use that someday. _Okay Mr. Oldman, lick away!

_Although she has her pants on, Amanda spreads her legs anyway facing the camera. She cups her hand over the phone's mouthpiece and laughs._

Mr. Oldman: (_in soliloquy, miming a licking, slobbering motion_) Oh look at me, the dirty old man, defiling the teenaged starlet's twitterrrrrrrrrrr!...LALALALALA… LALA… LALA! Okay, I'm done… Now I wanna murder that vagina pleeeeease!

Amanda: Oh Mr. Oldman, you can't kill what's all ready dead!

Mr. Oldman: Oh horsefeathers! Anyhoo… I've forced my way inside you now!

_Dan makes guttural noises and "masturbates" a la the Masturbating Bear from Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Amanda only pretends to play along. _

Amanda: Rape that fucking clit daddy!

_She cups the phone with her hand again and laughs as Dan wheezes with delight. She makes silly faces at the phone, mocking Dan._

Mr. Oldman (_whilst masturbating_): I'm gonna call up Josh Server and me and him and Kenan and Kel and the Five Minutes Guy are gonna run a train on you again! TOOT TOOT! All aboard!

Amanda (_a la Mr. Bighead in the "Teed Off" episode of Rocko's Modern Life_): Ooo, I'd liiike that.

_Dan comes down from the masturbation for a moment._

Mr. Oldman: Now I'd like to speak with the little innocent teenaged pussy twat of the house. Can you put her on the telephone pleeeassee?

Amanda: Of course Mr. Oldman, you fat slab of pork…

Mr. Oldman: Yessss, just put the phone in your shlacks, that's a good little girlieeee…

_Amanda pretends to follow Mr. Oldman's request to put the phone in her pants._

Amanda: (_with the phone clearly pressed to her ear_) The phone is now pressed against my hairless, teenaged pussy, Mr. Oldman!

Mr. Oldman: Oh goody!... Now slosh it back and forth pleeease!... Hellooooo?

_Just prior to Dan climaxing, Amanda blows an air horn into the phone's mouthpiece. Dan falls over all funny like he died of a heart attack/blue balls. He falls across the frame into Amanda's room. _

_After a few seconds he comes out of this coma and starts "attacking" Amanda's bare feet with his hands and tongue. Amanda gets annoyed and breaks character. She begins to kick him away._

Amanda: Damn it Dan! You promised not to do that anymore!

Mr. Oldman (_breaking character, becoming Dan Schneider_): Poppa bear needs his honeeeeyyy!

_Amanda removes her wig and storms off set, wiping away tears. Dan berates her as she leaves._

Mr. Oldman (_quoting his favorite song,_ _GG Allin's "Teenage Twats"_): You little fucking bitch! You're ugly! You're ugly! I don't fuckin' care! You're a teenage fucking twat!

_Cut to 12 years later, to a California mental institution. Amanda is in a straight jacket in the fetal position on the floor singing/crying the end to KoRn's "Daddy."_

Amanda: FUCKER!  
Mother Fucker! I fucking hate you! Fuck You!  
You fat slab of pork! You fucking ruined my life!  
I want to die!  
I'm sick of it, mother fucker...oh...  
Why'd you fuckin do it to me?  
I hate you!  
I fuckin hate you!  
I hate you!  
Piece of shit!  
Why?  
I hate you!

_Bitter tears hit the cold floor as her weeping echoes off the walls._

THE END :(


End file.
